Punishment by Video Games
by mav1972kit
Summary: Shepard's tired of his crew trying to kill each other. So, he wants them to settle it out by playing video games. Lethal, video games. Strong T, for language, violence, adult themes, and insanity.


**No, stop asking me this. I do not own Mass Effect, or its characters...**

It's been two days since the Reaper War. Still, things didn't make as much sense to Shepard. The key to killing the Reapers can only be accessible by throwing yourself into three, colored beams. Not to mention, that a child was the Catalyst. The same damn child that had forced him into terrible, slow-mo cutscenes, with apparitions, and burning children.

Still, he treated the scene like a distant, happy memory...

* * *

"So you expect me to listen to you, and jump into a random beam, fueled by the assumption that it could somehow destroy the Reapers?", said an irate Shepard.

"Yes."

With that word, Shepard, even with his injuries, began to sit on the edge of the Crucible, getting a front seat overlooking the battle above.

"What are you doing?"

"Sorry, I want to use the army I spent two months to build. Take a seat, and watch the firefight."

"What? Your forces would be slaughtered!"

"I saw a lot of Reaper body parts in space, believe me, I think we're winning."

Looking up again, Shepard could see the onslaught above him. Reapers collided with each other, causing their err, legs to fly all over the place, fighters would zoom past others for a brief second, before explosions were detonated. The cycle was a mess.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

The Catalyst looked at him.

"I'm going to build a coloring book, consisting of blue, green, and red. Nothing could prevent that."

"Yeah, you do that..."

* * *

Other events didn't make as much sense either. Apparently, Kaiden survived the nuke on Virmire, Thane is alive for some reason, Mordin survived the crumbling tower, and Legion, well, you can guess.

Well, better alive than dead.

Still, this called for a celebration. So, he invited every single one of his squadmates to a party on the Normandy SR3. It'll be great seeing old friends.

* * *

Joker couldn't believe his ears. Shepard was inviting every single one of his squadmates. I mean, it was good news, but it's hard to believe that dead squadmates could come back from the dead. Seriously, KAIDEN, surviving a nuke? That would be Wrex's job.

Suddenly, the airlock door opened, revealing Kaiden Alenko, in his usual military fatigues.

"Hey Joker, how you been?"

"KAIDEN! I didn't believe it at first, but here you are! How did you survive the nuke?"

"I...don't know. I blacked out when the nuke hit, but I woke up in the middle of a bunch of ash."

"Alright...then."

"Well, I'm heading down to the garage, see you there."

"Uh...see you..."

* * *

"Hey Joker."

Joker turned around, and saw Ashley Williams, in her old, pink and white armor.

"So, I guessing that masquarading as Miranda didn't turn out so well."

Ashley glared daggers at him.

"I'm still armed Joker."

"Uh, right."

"I'm wearing this because I took a shot back on Earth. I don't know what the Alliance was thinking with that suit. It literally offers no protection on the field."

"Well, good...", said a dissapointed Joker.

"I'm heading down to the garage, see you."

"Bye."

* * *

"Joker, two days huh? Seems a bit early for a celebration."

In the door to the airlock, there was the famous, or rather, infamous Garrus Vakarian.

"Garrus! How you been?"

"Well, as you've been saying, I've been beating the hell out of people with the stick up my ass for the past two days. Gotta wonder why there are still jackasses in post war times, but you know, somethings never change."

"Well, all of the jackasses we've faced are pushovers."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm going to the Forward Battery, see you."

* * *

"Hey Tali! Still dealing with those Admirals?"

"Unfortunately. Now, people are debating whether to put cities in new locations on Rannoch, or in the ruins of the old, destroyed, cities."

"Huh, I guess people will find something to argue about. Also, I heard that the Geth are making cures for your immune systems. Is that true?"

"Yeah. In about three years, I won't need this suit anymor-"

Tali paused.

The two had never been comfortable talking with each other after Tali caught Joker spying on her, in the shower. Needless to say, any mention of her, being out of her suit rendered any situation, awkward.

"Well...I'll be in the Engine Room, uh...see you."

"Right...bye...Tali.."

* * *

"Hey Joker! I would hug you, if your bones had more strength than a pyjak's left arm."

Joker caught sight of Wrex, in the glory that had always been parading him since the day he first entered the Normandy SR1.

"Ah, it's alright. So, how's your kid doing?"

"Pretty good. Named him Mordin. Hopefully he won't talk like him though. If that happens, I'll disown him."

"Alright...then."

"Well, I'm going to the garage. Heard it still looks the same. Is that true?"

"It does, it just lacks the open space with the new shuttle."

"Ah damn it, where am I going to put my new shotgun?"

* * *

"Hey Liara, still embracing eternity?"

"Joker, I don't find Asari reproduction humorous."

"Hey, I just survived a war without breaking any bones, can't I pull out an old joke?"

"Sorry Joker, I guess I'm a little too serious sometimes."

"It's alright. Still, did you eternally embrace Shepard yet?"

* * *

"Hey Jacob, can you help me put my arm back into place?"

Jacob just stared at Joker, dumbstruck. His arm was facing the wrong way, with the elbow facing the front, and with the arm pointing up.

"What the hell happened to you Joker?"

"I mentioned the words, "Shepard", and "embracing eternity" to her in the same sentence."

* * *

"Hello Joker."

Standing in front of him, was Miranda, in her, um..."classic" catsuit.

"Hey Miranda, I never knew you as the partying type."

"I'm not, but, well, you guys are the only friends I have."

Joker was about to open his mouth.

"MY FRIENDS, nothing farther than that Mr. Moreau."

* * *

"Hey Mordin, how did you survive that explosion?"

"I don't know. Sudden resurrection is non existant in the laws of science. Still, unaware if the laws of science even exist."

"Well, alright then. Welcome to the party!"

"Celebration spontaneous, afraid of further misdemeanors by the surviving galaxy?"

"I have no idea."

* * *

"Hey Joker. I heard Shepard got new shotguns. Think they could beat my claymores?"

"Uh, I'm not sure Grunt."

"Well, I'm heading off to the garage. I was getting tired of the storage room on deck 4."

* * *

"Hi Jack, still under that "no foul mouths" rule?"

"Fuck off, and nice to see you Joker. Still, I was expecting to see you in pieces after the battle back on Earth. How did a piece of glass like you live?"

"Careful turning, and precision boosts."

"Yeah, well if it wasn't for the armor upgrades for the Normandy, I wouldn't be here right now."

"Well, good thing Shepard had a large wallet."

There was a long pause between the two.

"Speaking of wallet, did you and EDI fuck yet?"

* * *

"I didn't lose a goddamn eye to go partying. Shepard told me that he was going to fix Jessie!"

"Hey, come on, you can't just fight all the time Zaeed."

"Of course I can. Back on Tuchanka, my team and I were fighting waves, after waves of Krogan warlords. The shooting never stopped. No one ever took a break, and the ones that were laying down were dead. Now, Johnson and I were..."

Joker mentally shot himself, with a Widow Sniper Rifle. Anyone would go insane listening to Zaeed's infamous war stories.

* * *

"Hi Joker. Thanks for inviting me. I've never been to a party in a while. I was kicked out of the ones I've went to, but that is when they've realized that their credit chits are gone. Then again, I've only been kicked out of one party."

"Uh, well Kasumi, thanks for coming. But, are you going to steal from the Normandy?"

"Hey, it's what I do. But, I'll give them back at the end of the day."

Realising what she just did a year ago, she paused for a few moments, activated her omnitool, and said:

"Just like I'm giving back the 50,000 credits I stole from the crew!", she said with a nervous enthusiastic voice.

* * *

"Uh, don't worry Samara, I was just staring at your Tempest submachine gun!"

"My gun is holstered at my hip. You were staring at my chest."

Joker was always a nervous wreck near Samara with her, um, preferences with clothing. Still, he never understood why an honorbound code-born Asari would wear clothing like that. It's like they're asking people to break the law.

* * *

"Thane! How are you?"

"I'm doing well. But, I'm still not sure how I survived Keplars Syndrome."

"Well, I guess you could tell the guilty Salarian that you lived."

* * *

"Legion! Is that really you?"

"Affirmative. I am not sure how I lived. The chances of a unit transmitting the virus are impossible."

"Well, at least you could say "I""

* * *

"Hey Joker, my man! How you been?"

"Hey James, It's only been two days. I didn't really do much."

"You kept asking Garrus that question."

"He's Garrus Vakarian! He's always doing something."

"Hey, what about me? That's just offensive. Don't I do something?"

"Okay, I'm sorry! How have you been James?"

James Vega paused for a few moments.

"Actually, I didn't do much Joker."

* * *

"Well EDI, isn't this an interesting crew?"

"Due to the kind of squadmates we have on the Normandy, I would expect your question to be rhetorical."

"Ah, you can't take jokes can you?"

* * *

The Normandy was a very peaceful place. Squadmates were chatting pleasantly, the Krogan pair kept their arsenal of shotguns in the armory, everyone kept the mess hall in a clean manner, and absolutely no hostility was visible. Of course, this happened in an alternate Mass Effect universe, where Wrex likes pink. Teleporting to another Universe, the Normandy is in a terrible condition.

First of all, almost every female squadmate on the Normandy was, well, pissed off at each other. After Shepard rejected each, and every single one of their offers, they've come to the conclusion that Shepard was either a homosexual, or scared off by all the people that tried to get him to ahem, "Charge up their cargo ramps, and hit the Star Forges". They decided that it was the second answer, due to Shepard spending a few hours in the Consort's room. Nevertheless, they were all carrying pistols. Pistols that were smoking. Also, pistols that were aimed at other pistols.

Mordin, suscumbing to temptation, decided to make a ship-wide experiment on the squadmates. So, he hid questionable chemicals in their food. This left them, excluding Garrus and himself, in a dazed, anger filled state. Next thing Shepard knew, the armory was empty.

The next day, Shepard woke up in a dim, litted room with an unpleasant feeling on his back.

"Arrgh, what the hell happened?", Shepard said in a weak state. He turned his head, and found Adams, and Garrus staring at him.

"Shepard! Thank god you're alright!", Adams yelled happily.

"Garrus, Adam, what are you doing here? What am I doing here?"

"The squad is out of control. Joker and EDI shut themselves in the cockpit, Mordin's unconscious, the non combatant crew members are spread around the ship hiding, and the squad members are transforming the Normandy into, a battlefield.", said a worried Garrus. "You and Mordin were knocked out by Grunt."

"We can't just kill them Garrus!"

"I know, Mordin gave us his supply of needles swimming with sedatives. I have our guns loaded with them."

Taking his Avenger Assault Rifle, Shepard and Garrus walked out the Engine Room door, preparing for the worst.

**So, please review. I'm trying to redeem myself out of my bad stories streak, so, I'm trying this one. Don't worry, I'm still working on my Cerberus Trooper story though.**


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